Sunday, November 10, 2013

How To Deal With Spiders: For Arachnophobes and Fearless Freaks Alike

It's an old fact that I am DEATHLY afraid of spiders. I blame my father because I have a faint memory of him describing this weird article to me about how a spider went into a woman's ears and laid eggs and all kinds of crap in there. Now, 21-year-old me knows this is anatomically impossible. But 7/ 8-year-old me was shitting bricks. Thus began my fearful hatred for the eight-legged freaks. I know that earwax is like quicksand for tiny insects (Personal experience with a fly. Don't ask), but that will NEVER stop me from running a 100 miles in the opposite direction at the sight of even a tiny-ass daddy long-legs.

If you share my fear/ death-inducing hatred for these creatures, or have a friend like me (Mah peeps, I'm talking to you), then take notes. These tips should be good enough to make sure you're almost never caught off-guard with a spider on your belly or leg or anything (Yes, I nearly died. Yes, I cried for a minute or two).

1. Squishy Squish Squish
If you own a pair of shoes (or 20), use them to mutilate these futhermuckers. I love nature and God's creatures are cool and all, but SPIDERS ARE THE DEVIL'S SPAWN AND NEED TO BE BATTERED TO DEATH OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Don't be calm and composed; feel free to turn into Wolverine when attacking these fearsome beasts.

2. With A Little Help From My Friends/ Family OR Murder For Murder
I can't work the squishy squish squish unless I am forced to. Which is why, I choose to scream for help and run out of the bathroom begging for my mother or father to get rid of the monsters for me. This, I'd say works best if you have someone who loves you enough to wake up in the middle of the night and kill eight spiders in the bathroom because someone decided to shower really late...not like that happened with me. But yes, assistance is your safest option. When in need, run to your favourite person and convince them to kill the freaks or you. The best way to make sure they do this for you is by promising to bring pain to their feared creepy crawlies. Unless, of course, you're both afraid of spiders. In that case, RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES SPIDERS ARE EVERYWHERE. Seriously though, mother and I have the murder deal: she kills the spiders for me and I bugspray the shit out of the cockroaches for her.

3. Attack With Caution
These things have eyes. So they can kinda see when you're SLOWLY approaching them with a giant foot-like thing in your hand. Slow and steady may win the race, but the only one winning here is the spider as it merrily skittles away from you and decides to find shelter in a dark corner of your room, waiting to attack when you're comfortable and done shuddering. Kill that son-of-a-bitch in one (or several) swift move(s).

4. Demolishing The Demons
Unfortunately, there are some spiders that look like they ate a zillion other spiders and are as big as your palm or anywhere around that size. Now would be a good time to ask for assistance, because you know you're not going to be able to do this on your own, since you're too busy crapping yourself and ready to cry yourself a river. However, remember: squishing isn't the best method here, since it's not really going to die completely, and you'll be left to clean up the big fat ugly mess. I believe a bowl or box turned upside down with a thick paper makeshift dustpan should do the trick.*

* I haven't had the need to work this manoeuvre just yet, thank god, but movies and memes have taught me well.

5. Pay Attention To Your Premonitions
An arachnophobe can always ALWAYS sense when an arachnid is near or approaching. And it has apparently been proven that every room an arachnophobe is in tends to house a spider or two (or three, four, five, ten billion). However, don't let that get to you. Be brave, take a cue from your twitches and shudders and prepare yourself. Pretend that you're like one of those seagulls from Finding Nemo and get that biyotch.

6. Adopting A Predator
If you're a total badass, and love a reptile or two, get yourself a pet lizard or snake! You make a friend, AND you have a handy murder weapon! Everyone wins!

7. Avoid All Spider Memes/ Pictures/ Movie or TV Show Scenes
I'm not sure how many people this applies to, but I cannot STAND looking at even a cartoon sketch of a spider without shuddering. A friend recently thought it would be H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S to send me 4 pictures of big fat spiders. He will be beaten to a pulp when he returns. I couldn't even bring myself to watch the new Spiderman movie (I'm reeeeally sorry, Andrew Garfield. I promise to save every googled image of you in the future). I know this makes no sense, but somehow, it does. If you don't have to look at one, you'll probably think there isn't one around you, and positivity is ALWAYS a good thing, right?

8. Be Grateful
And finallyyyy...

I should not have google-imaged this.

Give me a moment while I shudder furiously.

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