Sunday, April 28, 2013

I'm in my awkward place.

It's that time of the year when I'm contemplating my choices once again. Unfortunately, this time around, I'm actually going to have to make up my mind in less than a month, because the future is here. Choices that I thought I had time to make are now lining up in front of me, ready to give birth to a few million doubts in my overcrowded brain.

I'm this close to graduating. So close to actually having a Bachelors degree to my name. And that freaks the living daylights out of me, because as much as I'd hate to admit it, it amounts to something. And while that may sound like a good thing, here's where it gets scary - the security blanket I'd been hiding under is now being pulled hard from over my head. No more faith in the fact that college will be on after summer. Every choice I make now affects my chances at a future away from here. I'm going to have to work that much harder and that much smarter to even make a dent in international admissions. Heck, even a small dent in Indian Masters admissions.

Every day my mind goes down a different path. Every day I'm forced to think about which course to finally pick. Every day I'm running numbers in my head, trying to figure out ways to make sure dad doesn't have to pay for college in America. Every day I'm putting off the thought of applying for tests. Every day I'm thinking about having to drop everything and move. And the thought that scares me the most is if I'm even worth it. If I even have the talent. If I'm ever even going to make it, after all the hard work. For as long as I can remember, I've imagined my life away from home. I've imagined myself walking down the streets of New York, LA or San Francisco, living the dream, self satisfied, good at what I do, and HAPPY. What scares me the most is that that dream may end up as just that - a dream. And that's something I can't deal with.

I need to get out of this awkward place and I need to get out soon.

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