Monday, June 4, 2012

Things I've learnt from an infant

This is going to be one of them list-y posts. Yes. List-y. At least I've been nice enough to use a hyphen.

Anyway, on the occasion of the little-one-I've-mentioned-here-in-the-past's SECOND birthday (Wha- Whe- HOW?!?), I'm going to talk about the things I've learnt from living with her for a month:

- I am no longer cool. I no longer enjoy the sweet humdrum of The Beatles or the chaotically musical Kings of Leon. No. I am now the #1 fan of Preeti Sagar and her godforsaken Nursery Rhymes, and SuperSimpleSongs on YouTube, or to be more specific, their AWESOME rendition of Twinkle Twinkle.
Lesson Learnt:  You, older person, have no right to listen to 'music' I don't understand yet. You may assume your position on the cool charts once I am done growing up.

- Cuddling children is a punishable crime. Take my word for it. One isn't permitted to kiss, tickle, pick up, hug or hold a child, until and unless one is ordered to do so by said little person.
Lesson Learnt: You like your ears, yes? Then stop picking up the child, else she won't stop screaming "NO!". Or 'hitting' you.

- I have retired from swearing in the company of other human beings. Swearing is now reserved for extremely angry IMs or vocal rants. No lesson learnt, really. It's bad enough that the kid says 'fork' like 'fuck'. And 'sit' like 'shit'.

- Everything that I once thought belonged to me, now belongs to the little person. Including the lock that will (hopefully) protect one piece of luggage from being ravaged by disgusting feasters.
Lesson Learnt: Do not help the child with her toy. What you think is help, she thinks is robbery and stripping her of her ONLY belongings.

- Every time I accidentally bump the kid on the head or any other significant body part (I use the word significant as though her whole being just doesn't matter. *slaps self*), I scream out in joy and do a dance. I DO NOT, under any circumstances, gasp, yelp or look shocked.
Lesson Learnt: You do NOT want to be the reason for yet ANOTHER protest. She yells at you enough already.

- When the child points at that and asks for that, she obviously means that. Case in point being having her choose her own nursery rhyme video, and then having her not wanting to watch it.
Lesson Learnt: Don't offer the child options. Just don't. It's not a wise move.

- Do not draw funny things for the child. She can't get enough of them, while I, on the other hand, want to shred that piece of paper into tiny, tiny bits.
Lesson Learnt: Stick to the tried and tested methods of entertainment. Do not offer any new means of joy and laughter.

- I am, and will always be, a means to an end. Big, doleful eyes and a little hand will come tugging my way every time something is needed.
Lesson Learnt: Don't look down. Or if you're sitting, pretend to be watching something very interesting right behind her. If she begs, shove the whole thing into her hands and pretend that argument never happened.

- If the kid wants to play with something that isn't in the vicinity, put it to sleep or talk about how it ran away. If the kid asks for her parents who are away going on with their lives, put them to sleep, make them take several showers, or keep talking about their need to use the loo. Several times a day.
Lesson Learnt: Don't get factual with her. She don't get it. AT ALL.

- Don't make fun of the little one in her presence. While it tickles you to no end to do so, she isn't very tickled by the thought of (apparently) being hit by a grandmother (who, by the way, yells at the older grandchild [me] for no fault of hers), or being eaten by a lion.
Lesson Learnt: Leave such funny talks for nap time and post-baby time. It's all still funny.

That's all I have so far. Kids are Yeah. We'll leave it at that.
I still love this one to bits though.
Happy birthday, Baby. :)

Please don't yell at me when I try to crush you with a hug several times today. I laav you.

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