Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The downfalls of being a pushover coupled with so much pent-up anger.

I'm angry.
I'm mad, flustered, frustrated, irritated, buggered, bugged, pissed off, fuming, furious, enraged and the likes. It's been a long time coming.

Ever since he's gone and shoved his health up his ass again, I've been nothing but angry. I kept quiet all this while, and now that he's back, I'm not fucking shutting up. There are so many days when I wish I could just up and run, from everything. I want none of this - it's all TOO MUCH. As hard as I might try, I will never, and can never be strong enough to deal with all this bullshit strewn around all over the place. Frankly, I don't even want to, but the guilt eats me up too much. Damn my conscience. Damn it to the deepest corner in hell.

I'm also regretting ever having given in to being a pushover. I've let people have their way all the time, and I've always ended up coming last. I'm sick of it. And if I throw a fit, I'm hungry for all the attention in the world - which is wrong, because apparently, I've been at the receiving end of all of it. I've been there for the rest of them, but it seems too much to ask for when it's my turn. All I get is a fucking charade of misfortune, bad luck, and a good helping of "could've, should've, would've".

I've been quiet for too long. I don't want to be anymore. Just this once, I'd like to think about something other than finding ways to look after him, when it isn't even my responsibility at this age. I don't want to think about the consequences and the guilt that follows if I give up on him and just live my life as I should. I don't want to think of alternatives for my dreams and aspirations, just in case. And once, just this once, I'd like to think about how people actually care, without bothering to wonder about whether or not I sound/ look/ seem like a pompous pain in the ass.

Yay for today.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Moments.


He crawled out of bed after a sleepless night due to a terrible dream.

She still smiles about the one she had as she showers.

His mother just made him the best breakfast he could ever ask for.

He’s late for his first day back to class after the car crash.

Her car broke down in the traffic on the way to work.

She left an important office document at home.

She nearly tripped over a crossing dog while she ran after the moving bus.

His classmates teased him about the haircut his father gave him.

She cries for her mother while her nursery teacher tries to calm her down.

Her mother walks back home solemnly, when all she wants to do is run to her daughter and tell her she loves her so very much.

She knits a hat for the three-year-old grandson she’s meeting for the first time tomorrow.

He’s taking his first steps with the help of his new walker, and adoring son.

He aced his first test.

She was given a gold star for her family portrait.

She hurt herself while running after the ball on the playground.

Her daughter just uttered her first word. It was ‘Amma’.

He just skipped lunch because of work. Again.

They just finished their nth meal in silence and moved into their respective rooms.

She held his hand for the first time in the dark theatre, and he responded, willingly.

She was lauded for her first successful meeting as CEO.

He just proposed to the girl he loves. She accepted.

He just found out that his ex-wife passed away.

She’s pregnant.

She offered a piece of candy to the timid, lonely boy in her first grade class.

They just swore to be best friends forever.

He just moved out of his parents’ home.

She just flew across the world to tend to her ailing father.

She let the blood dribble down her arm again, hoping it would relieve the pain in her head.

He just admitted to being an addict.

They came home from the hospital to an empty crib.

She shared her first kiss with the boy she thought she was in love with.

He ran out of the school bus and into his mother’s waiting arms.

She ended the letter with a tear, explaining to her parents about why she thinks she doesn’t deserve to live.

He just littered on the street.

His wallet was just stolen in the crowded train.

She let an old lady take her seat in the bus.

He cooked for the first time for his two tired daughters.

He apologised to his aunt for misbehaving.

His family was just informed that he was in a coma.

She just completed her first book.

She’s busy getting ready for dinner with the family she loathes.

He watches his favourite show, curled up in his father lap.

Her father just asked her to come along for a night-stroll.

She finally opened up about how she felt to her confused and relieved father.

She lay in bed, weeping, because the song she was just listening to reminded her of him.

He tucked his baby girl in for the first time in seven years.

She woke up to a phone call from her soldier son. He was at the airport, waiting for a cab back home.

They made love for the first time. It wasn’t perfect, and that was alright.

He bid her goodnight just before he went to bed.

As she hung up, he whispered that he loved her.

They’d put their kids to sleep, and finally had some time alone to watch TV. They nodded off soon enough.

The little one was finally snoring softly in her mother’s arms.

Morning came soon after.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

They Say


Third time lucky, they say,
It’ll be fine, they say,
Luck is always on your side, they say,
What do they know?
Helpless and numb.
I looked up to you, I still do,
But I need to know you’re here for me,
Not a slave to the bed and needles.
Come back,
It’s hard enough when you’re not around.
Feel better, please.
Kill yourself when you’re already dead, not now.
You have a few more years on you,
Hold on to them.
Come back,
There’s concern for you here,
I’m old enough to know, mature enough to understand,
Let me in, let me help.
Return,
Safe and sound.
I miss you.
Please come back.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

This is a mini-vent post, like many others here.

It's been a WONDERFUL day today.

Which is why, this is how I feel about myself at the moment:

I'm fat, butt-ugly, and useless.
I'm senseless.
Talent-less.
Worthless.
Stupid.
Idiotic.
Weird.
A fucktard.
Forgettable.
The last priority.
Irresponsible.
NOTHING.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Things I've learnt from an infant

This is going to be one of them list-y posts. Yes. List-y. At least I've been nice enough to use a hyphen.

Anyway, on the occasion of the little-one-I've-mentioned-here-in-the-past's SECOND birthday (Wha- Whe- HOW?!?), I'm going to talk about the things I've learnt from living with her for a month:

- I am no longer cool. I no longer enjoy the sweet humdrum of The Beatles or the chaotically musical Kings of Leon. No. I am now the #1 fan of Preeti Sagar and her godforsaken Nursery Rhymes, and SuperSimpleSongs on YouTube, or to be more specific, their AWESOME rendition of Twinkle Twinkle.
Lesson Learnt:  You, older person, have no right to listen to 'music' I don't understand yet. You may assume your position on the cool charts once I am done growing up.

- Cuddling children is a punishable crime. Take my word for it. One isn't permitted to kiss, tickle, pick up, hug or hold a child, until and unless one is ordered to do so by said little person.
Lesson Learnt: You like your ears, yes? Then stop picking up the child, else she won't stop screaming "NO!". Or 'hitting' you.

- I have retired from swearing in the company of other human beings. Swearing is now reserved for extremely angry IMs or vocal rants. No lesson learnt, really. It's bad enough that the kid says 'fork' like 'fuck'. And 'sit' like 'shit'.

- Everything that I once thought belonged to me, now belongs to the little person. Including the lock that will (hopefully) protect one piece of luggage from being ravaged by disgusting feasters.
Lesson Learnt: Do not help the child with her toy. What you think is help, she thinks is robbery and stripping her of her ONLY belongings.

- Every time I accidentally bump the kid on the head or any other significant body part (I use the word significant as though her whole being just doesn't matter. *slaps self*), I scream out in joy and do a dance. I DO NOT, under any circumstances, gasp, yelp or look shocked.
Lesson Learnt: You do NOT want to be the reason for yet ANOTHER protest. She yells at you enough already.

- When the child points at that and asks for that, she obviously means that. Case in point being having her choose her own nursery rhyme video, and then having her not wanting to watch it.
Lesson Learnt: Don't offer the child options. Just don't. It's not a wise move.

- Do not draw funny things for the child. She can't get enough of them, while I, on the other hand, want to shred that piece of paper into tiny, tiny bits.
Lesson Learnt: Stick to the tried and tested methods of entertainment. Do not offer any new means of joy and laughter.

- I am, and will always be, a means to an end. Big, doleful eyes and a little hand will come tugging my way every time something is needed.
Lesson Learnt: Don't look down. Or if you're sitting, pretend to be watching something very interesting right behind her. If she begs, shove the whole thing into her hands and pretend that argument never happened.

- If the kid wants to play with something that isn't in the vicinity, put it to sleep or talk about how it ran away. If the kid asks for her parents who are away going on with their lives, put them to sleep, make them take several showers, or keep talking about their need to use the loo. Several times a day.
Lesson Learnt: Don't get factual with her. She don't get it. AT ALL.

- Don't make fun of the little one in her presence. While it tickles you to no end to do so, she isn't very tickled by the thought of (apparently) being hit by a grandmother (who, by the way, yells at the older grandchild [me] for no fault of hers), or being eaten by a lion.
Lesson Learnt: Leave such funny talks for nap time and post-baby time. It's all still funny.

That's all I have so far. Kids are so...cool. Yeah. We'll leave it at that.
I still love this one to bits though.
Happy birthday, Baby. :)

Please don't yell at me when I try to crush you with a hug several times today. I laav you.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

11

Stephanie tagged me with this one, and since I make no promises of uh-mazing blog posts, I thought I'd go with this one (Yay for trying to break out of the dry spell).


THE RULES
#1 You must post these rules
#2 You must post 11 things about yourself
#3 You must answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and create 11 new questions for people you tag to answer
#4 You must tag 11 people to do this meme and tell them on their blog!



11 Things:


1. I'm really messy and lazy by nature, but I still have OCD tendencies from time to time with my music, books, papers, computer files, etc. 
2. I own make-up that I will never wear.
3. Grammar nazi with irregularities.
4. If I could, I'd have a walk-in library AND a walk-in closet (Note to self: GET RICH)
5. I get high on citrus. I also go through different phases of high-ness. Eg: Post-sleep high.
6. I prioritize too many people way too often.
7. I'm the idiot that prefers listening to sad songs when I'm happy, JUST SO I can get depressed.
8. My dream job is to be Rupert Grint's wife. Not that it'd be a job. Still, not like I wouldn't want to apply.
9. I have kept 5 diaries throughout my adolescence, each of which has been incomplete. One was even ripped apart.
10. I read the newspaper back to front. I even read weekly magazines back to front now.
11. Good TV excites me. A little too much. I get too attached.




Stephanie's 11 Questions:



1. Panda or koala? - Koala. Pandas freak me out. A little bit.

2. Would you rather shoot one friend or ten total strangers? - One friend. Only if I bear witness to what has happened before the need for said shooting arises. And only if the shooting is, in fact, required. Were you feeling murderous?

3. What's your favorite number? Why? - 13. It's brought me more luck than for others.

4. Where do you see yourself in five years? - Hopefully, happily working my sorry ass off after a good two years at Fashion School.

5. What is your scariest memory? - It's a mix of my dad telling me a creepy story about spiders (reason why I'm an arachnophobic), falling off a slide, and a flurry of bad dreams that I remember.

6. Do you like peanut butter? - With jelly.

7. Would you rather be too hot or too cold? - Too cold. I'm not very fond of sweat.

8. Does it annoy you when people point out innuendos? - Um. No. I'm one of those people. Hi.

9. What happens when you get really hungry? - I stay hungry. Pantry isn't very welcoming.

10. Have you ever broken anything? How? - My ankle. Funny story there. I was standing. Just like that.

11. If you could add or subtract a member of your family, what would you do? {E.g., "I would get rid of my psychopathic aunt" or "I would have an older brother."} - I would get rid of my psychopathic aunt AND have an older brother. I'm not even kidding!


11 New Questions:

1. Do you enjoy listening to bad music from time to time?
2. Marshmallows or Gummy Bears?
3. Would you rather read for hours on end, or catch re-runs of your favourite TV show?
4. If you were left in a room filled with unorganized files, would you - A) Sit down and sort them all out till you're satisfied, OR B) Run out of the room, screaming and begging for mercy?
5. What's the one place in the world you'd like to go to, and just be with yourself for as long as possible?
6. Tell me your dreams.
7. What are your favourite lyrics? Why?
8. If you could Google something for the last time, what would it be?
9. What beverage makes you happy?
10. What is your favourite outfit?
11. What's your favourite colour? Why?

I'm tagging (I don't have 11 people to tag. I'm sad like that.) - 

Grey
Nikki

This was fun. Now, bye bye. Until next time - whenever that may be.

Monday, April 30, 2012

This Is A Crap Blogpost.

While I try to not fill your Dashboard with terrible blogposts (as I have done in the past *cough*), this time, I feel like I must. So today, we're going to talk about why I go to bed at 5 am, EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's not a healthy habit, I know, but I have my reasons! Really! I do!

Before I go on, I would like to just throw it out there that I'm feeling British today. Heck I even had a large cup of tea a while ago! I've been feeling British-er (not so British, that) than usual because I've been watching Charlie McDonnell's YouTube videos for god alone knows how many hours. I'm not even kidding. I watched his videos for about two hours last night, and it's the first thing I did when I woke up like an hour ago (I slept at 5. I can be forgiven).

I digress.

Ok, so why have I been going to bed at 5 am, you ask? Do you even ask? Oh pish, I don't even care if you ask anymore! But I really do.

Again, I digress.

Coming to the point, I sleep at 5 am every...morning? Well, you already knew that, but I thought I'd just put that out there as well. Again. Now look, it's not like I WANT to go to bed that late/ early every single day. I don't enjoy waking up in the middle of the afternoon (but really I do) and munch on soggy breakfast for lunch. I don't enjoy not being the first person to see my name in the paper again, and inform my friends about how I managed to get their names in the paper as well (takes a bow. NOT). I don't enjoy missing all the fun, cool reruns of my favourite TV shows that usually happen at around 9 am. I also don't enjoy slightly sour coconut chutney. Which is what I am forced to swallow when the siesta takes on a life of its own.

Now, I enjoy facebooking just as much as the next person, but I have a secret. I enjoy a little more than the regular act of commenting and 'liking' pages. Gosh, I sound like a sexpot. But no, those aren't my intentions on Facebook. I, in fact, enjoy a few sad games on the site, which is what I end up wasting my time on in the middle of the night. But wait!


That's one thing. Just ONE thing. I think I'll list the reasons. I'm better with lists. I really do think so. Okay, I'll go on a list then. I'm doing it. (Inner thoughts: Shut the fuck up and type you finally have somewhere to be in an hour!)

1. My writing - It is literally keeping me up at night. I've been trying to come up with these seemingly brilliant, uncanny ideas for the book, and while there are some that work, it's hard to make them work. Am I making sense?

2. Mockingjay - If you know me, you know that I'm crazy about the Hunger Games series. I had a fit when I got done with Catching Fire, which was a while ago. And because I didn't get my copy of Mockingjay on time, I lost interest. But, craziness is back! Gale, more specifically, is keeping me up. To know more, head to your nearest bookstore and grab your copies of the trilogy so you have a vague idea of what I'm talking about.

3. Sheer stupidity - This had to be mentioned. I've been tweeting like a crazy person, and googling all these crazy stupid things that will not be of any consequence to me the very next day.

4. Good music - Again, if you know me, and follow me on Twitter, you'd know that I'm obsessed with Gotye and Ingrid Michaelson. Brilliant, brilliant musicians with extremely different styles. Both of which I am loving. Experimenting is good. Yeah it is!

5. YouTube - This isn't even my fault. Well, it is, but it isn't. So I see these pages linking the rest of the world to these awesome videos, and each time I click on one of them, I'm hooked. Sometimes to other videos by the creator, but most of the time to the videos on the side bar. And YouTube being YouTube, tends to have awesom-er videos on that awesome side bar. I'm not being British anymore, am I? Oh well. Back to YouTube and why I love it so. Now, my biggest problem is that when I am in an altered state of being, as I am quite often post midnight, everything seems awesome. Even a random video about horses. Or stuffed toys. Point is, one thing leads to another, and before I know it, I'm laughing at a very cute guy going on about his disastrous life and things, and how he made a video about it. At 4 am. Which is when I decide to start winding up, and get off YouTube.

6. Thoughts - Yes, thoughts. I like to think. And think about my day. And ideate. And make plans about doing cool things the next day. And thinking about how I can not procrastinate. And then think about why I procrastinate. I sound like such a dutz. yes, dutz.

7. The future - The scary dark black hole I'm soon going dive into headfirst. School's out in a year. Options are a-calling. Where do I go? What do I do? Who do I eat? Wait, that came out wrong.

8. Bad TV - Maybe not so bad TV, but bad TV as a whole. There are some terrible shows that the stupid channels air after hours, and my night time fear keeps me from switching it all off. Me needsa some noisea. Not nausea. Noise-a.

I think I'm out of reasons. But you finally get my point. It's not like I don't have a life! Well, really, I don't. But things interest me, and keep me up. Not like I'm crazy.

I should really head out now. I can't stretch this out any longer than I already have. Jesus. Bye

But waaaaiiiiit! 3 days to California.

Yeah Yeah.

Bye, bums.

P.S: Check out charlieissocoollike on YouTube. He is like, so cool. Like.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

The pits

I'm sick of home. Maybe not home in the literal sense (or that too) but family, to be more specific. Not my mum's side - those guys are awesome. I'd be happy to admit that I'm related to them. It's the paternal side that frustrates me. EVERYTHING must be done and said in an orderly and politically correct manner. Why? Oh the horror of being modern and honest and REAL. And how dare we challenge someone's position in society, or do something that would honestly never seem disrespectful, but for these guys, would be as bad as bringing down a colony? Why must I be told to speak in a certain manner with certain family members, or control my emotions when 'controversial' topics are in the limelight at the dinner-table, or be forced to put on a facade and pretend to be in agreement with all that's being said and done? I'm sick to the bone. I DON'T want to be told to be nice, and sweet, and patient, and timid. Heck, I'm not timid. I've never been timid and I never WILL be timid. I will NOT not glare at you if you say something disgusting/ racist/ sexist/ communist, which you do, most of the time. I will NOT lower my voice when you choose to push me back down when I raise the question of whether or not my views and opinions matter. I REFUSE to be condemned to follow your religion - I'm bilingual, yes, but I don't follow the other one; not because I'm being rebellious or too much of a teenager, but because I'm sick of religion and all its prescriptions. WHY must I pray to a certain kind of higher power when all I can do is beg in times of need and pray my heart out to the higher power in general? I will NOT feel guilty about greeting you too late in the evening during an auspicious day or a day of celebration. I forgot. Is that SO fucking bad? Get over it, and in the process get over your fucking selves. I will NOT let you stand in the way of my dreams, and have you brainwash me about my future. I will NOT fall in your political trap, and be dragged down with you into the gigantic pile of horseshit you formed for yourselves. And one more thing: I'm not a brainiac. I've never really been one. Being the highest scorer in school doesn't mean that I'm gonna be that way for the rest of my fucking life. I've dumbed down, and if I'm not afraid to admit it, it would be awesome if you learnt to get that in your empty skulls as well.

I'm grateful, to a certain extent, for all that you've provided me with. I will not deny that. But I'm done being patient and wait for you to present me with the opportunity to be myself, to speak out when I do feel like it, to believe in my own beliefs, to make my own mistakes, to choose my own idols and respect the people who I choose to respect - and this time, not because they're older than me, or they've achieved a lot more. But because they know I'm human, they how I am to be treated and because, heck, they deserve it, unlike you lot.

Learn to be open-minded - it's not a sin. Your 'Gods' will not come down on you if you think outside the box and your stupid set of beliefs.

To those of you who have nothing to do with this post, my apologies. A girl needs a good rant from time to time.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Things are a-happening!

Hello!

I decided that I'd put stuff up on the blog only when inspiration hits. Or when I'm in the mood to rant and a simple incomplete word document will just not do. Anyway, I have nothing fun to post here, except for a few changes and some relaxing news.

1) I. AM. FINALLY. GOING. ON. A HOLIDAY.
2) I finally decided to get off my ass, or not, and do something about my plans for a book. Or a short stories thing. I do not know as of now. We shall see. A ton of writing is on the cards though. Starting tomorrow morning. Ze ideas are flowing in now, so yay.
3) The Beatles' Abbey Road picture kinda inspired me to sketch a new banner for the blog. I went a little crazy filling the page up, but I actually like it. I will soon have an awesom-er banner. *say yaaay*

I'm gonna be off anything to do with Blogger (not like I was really here, but you'll soon get the drift), Facebook, YouTube and Twitter for the next few days. I'm throwing myself into the stories until I'm completely drained and need something/ someone to laugh at.

Banner update soon.

Byebye, you happy, cheery bums.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

The First Word

No. No love. No hate. No crime. No fate. No sex, drugs or rock ‘n’ roll. No prostitution. No corruption. No war. No terror. No rights. No freedom. No knowledge. No question. No value. No priorities. No family. No companion. No constitution. No annihilation. No bombs. No food. No dogs. No water. No admission. No affection. No PDA. No signs. No red light. No authority. No authorisation. No power. No permission. No cussing. No sexuality. No nudity. No music. No colour. No light. No darkness. No art. No ink. No life. No death. No in-between. No words. No actions. No movement. No scribbles. No blinking. No breathing. No living. No dying. No. Yes. Hell no. Honestly? No. No way in hell. Not over my dead body. Not a chance. Countless ways to say it, even though it’s the easiest of them all – NO.