Monday, November 2, 2009

Dedication

It’s been a while since I blogged. But a little pondering over the past while photo editing gave me a thought: I haven’t lost my temper in a while now. And that’s a big deal for me. I was always the girl who wasn’t to be messed with. In school, and even during my first year of college, I was a walking, talking spit fire with a big head, big body and big mouth. Annoyance wasn’t well tolerated around me, and I always needed things to be perfect and done in my way. Ego problem, I guess. But somehow, the beginning of this year changed me. I realized that maybe, just maybe, my company too, made me this way. Maybe the things they did angered me the most, but it always came out on someone or something else. My notion was that my anger defined me. That with my anger, I could always be proud about myself and about the fact that I’m very well capable of giving one angered speech or two. Yeah, people hated me because of that, most of the time even cursed me, but I didn’t give a horse’s shit towards that. I thought I stood high and mighty over the rest because no one knew when and where I’d burst. But now, since the past few months, I guess I’ve managed to create a filter of sorts within myself. I realized that I actually preferred being liked, rather than being hated. True, I’ve grown thicker skin since a few friendships ended, but those only ended because THEY, I later realized were the ones that angered me the most. Every little detail about them, now as I see it, is clearly, fake. And as realization dawns upon me now, I understand that while I was with them, I was fake too. Me. The girl who is cold and icy towards anyone she dislikes on the first meet itself, and who turns her head in the other direction because she’d rather look at dogs doing it than see the face of people she knows are fake. Man, when realization hits you, it hits like a baseball in full swing, right on the head. Yes, I have grown up to be a little more controlled now. As a friend said to me, you are temperamental, but you’ve controlled it a lot now. Maybe I bite my tongue a lot more than I used to, but it’s for my own good. As I said before, company helps too. The friends I have now, well, I’ve known them for barely a few months now. But all I can say is that I feel like I’ve known them for years. I am myself in front of them, and I guess they understand me better than the “plasticines” did. A few other of my old friends help me out too. People I’ve known nearly all my life, people I’ve sobbed my eyes out in front of, and people I’ve laughed with so hard, I’d have water squirting out of my nose. They’re all the ones that know what’s coming up with a change of my expression. I can’t remember a time when I’ve been a wreck of anger with them. True, when I’m alone the ugly monster steps out, but they’re still there to calm me down. I love these people with all my heart, and in all honesty, I can guarantee you, that had I not met them months ago, I’d be Godzilla, storming around the city, bashing every second head I see.

This is a dedication to you guys. No specific reason, just a thought that grew.

Esha, Neha, Zahra, Koshy, Nittal, Sanidhya, Hileri, Harshal, Hardik, Meghna, Soumya.

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