Tuesday, July 7, 2009

???

i don't know if i should change myself or not. certain friends of mine hate me. they think i'm immature because i laugh at the wrong times and i laugh too much, they think i'm cheap because i stick to a low budget when i'm stripped of cash, they think i like eating their leftovers when they waste almost half the stuff, and they think i'm a total narcissistic bitch. they think that my temper will never get me anywhere and my 'take me the way i am' attitude is 'inappropriate'.

i hate it when this happens. such incidents just make me rethink myself, make me depressed, and make the tears just pour out. they think i take advantage of the fact that i've seen enough negativity at a young age and that apparently i need to step up and manage my shit since i'm 16. i don't know what to do. they're two people, one of whom was one of my best friends once upon a time, and now she's changed so much that she no longer stands out. she's just another person in the crowd. and she doesn't even see it when i tried to tell her.

am i a bitch? am i cheap? i know a temper will ever get anyoe anywhere, but i have controlled it. trust me, i have. i'm not as bad as i used to be. i've got into near fistfights in the past! now, anyone says shit about me, i laugh it off. but it's hurting me terribly now. these were people i loved with all my heart. my true friends...well, i guess not so true. still, i feel like i'm in the dark bottomless pit, falling, with no one to be Mr. stretch and lend me a hand and pull me out of misery. i want to get out of here. i really do. i want to leave behind my whole past, and start afresh somewhere else. not running away, just, moving on.

i'm hating myself so much right now. i'm crying, but it seems as though there's no one to see the pain. i hate feeling like this. they really were close to me, and now, they just think i'm plastic. and they won;t even say it to my face, that's the worst. i did enough saying when we'd had a fight. i let my whole heart out. but they just wanna fake around. i feel soo disgusted about myself right now. i want to change, but i can't.

adding to all of that, i feel like i suck at writing, again. as though there's nothing lef in me. just a talentless piece of crap.

i feel sick. help.

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